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Parenting - Rediscovery
Love and Intimacy
Rediscovering Love and Intimacy
by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Wendy started counseling with me because Terence,
her husband of 14 years, had just expressed to her that
he wanted to end their relationship. Wendy, terrified of
being alone, was panicked. Within a few minutes of speaking
with her in a phone session, I understood exactly the underlying
cause of their relationship problems.
Wendy, coming from a family where she experienced
much neglect, had a deep abandonment fear. In her family,
Wendy had learned to be a caretaker, giving herself up and
taking care of everyone else’s feelings and needs.
Wendy had learned to put her own feelings in a closet, hoping
that if she took care of everyone else, someone would care
about her. As an adult, she continued in this pattern, taking
care of her husband and children but completely neglecting
to take care of herself. As a result, she was often very
angry at Terence and her children when they didn’t
listen to her or approve of her.
People often end up treating us the way we
treat ourselves. Because Wendy was treating herself as if
she was unimportant, Terence and her children also treated
her as if she was unimportant. Because Wendy didn’t
listen to herself, Terence and her children didn’t
listen to her. Her fury at Terence and her children for
not seeing her or listening to her further alienated them
from her. Terence had reached the point where he was no
longer willing to be at the other end of Wendy’s anger.
Rather than take emotional responsibility
for her own well being, Wendy was making Terence and her
children emotionally responsible for her. She was abandoning
herself, just as her parents had abandoned her, and was
expecting Terence to give her what she never received from
her parents.
Terence was also not taking emotional responsibility.
He had spent much of their marriage trying to make Wendy
happy while ignoring his own feelings and needs. He vacillated
between compliance and resistance. When he complied, Wendy
felt better but he felt terrible from the sense of loss
of himself. When he resisted, Wendy felt rejected and became
enraged. Terence ended up feeling like he was a victim of
Wendy. He blamed her for his misery and felt he no alternative
but to leave.
I ended up working with both Wendy and Terence.
Through working with the Six Step Inner Bonding process
that we teach, Wendy learned to attend to her abandonment
feelings herself rather than go after Terence or her children
when these feelings came up. She learned that she was being
self responsible rather than selfish when she took responsibility
for her own feelings of safety, worth, lovability, happiness
and joy, rather than making Terence responsible for making
her feel safe and worthy. She learned that when she embraced
the responsibility of listening to and taking responsibility
for her own feelings, she no longer felt abandoned or angry.
Terence learned that he had another option
other than compliance or resistance. He learned to take
responsibility for his own feelings by telling Wendy his
truth when she yelled at him or blamed him. Instead of being
a victim, he learned to stand up for himself and set loving
limits on how Wendy was treating him. He learned to say,
“I don’t like being yelled at. I don’t want
to be with you when you are yelling at me and blaming me
for your feelings. If you can’t treat me with caring
and respect, then I don’t want to talk with you or
spend time with you. I don’t like being with you when
you treat me this way.”
At first, Terence was reluctant to say these
things to Wendy. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings
by telling her his truth. He felt his truth was harsh and
that he would be unloving if he said these things. However,
when he was willing to take the risk of speaking his truth,
he found that Wendy was actually grateful to receive the
truth. Rather than getting angry and hurt, she appreciated
his honesty, and told him that he was helping her to learn
and grow by telling her his truth.
Terence ended up not leaving. Over a period
of a year of doing their inner work, their relationship
completely changed. In fact, he and Wendy have achieved
a new level of love and intimacy in their relationship,
beyond what they had when they first fell in love.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have
To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing
Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Phone Sessions Available.
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