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Self Care Inspiration-How to have
a Difficult Conversation
HOW TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT A DIFFICULT TOPIC
By Edel Jarboe
Do you need to talk to a friend, a co-worker, or your spouse
about a difficult subject? Is it causing you a lot
of
stress and anxiety? You are not alone. Everyone
dreads
conversations where the emotional and psychological stakes
are high. But it is possible to have an honest, productive,
and less stressful heart to heart.
BEFORE:
____________________________________________________________
Stacy: "You are so stuck up! You are always putting
me down
in front of everyone. Did you have to tell Jake and Luann
that I cut my own hair? You know money is a little tight
for
me right now."
Annabelle: Your hair looks terrible. Maybe that's
why you
haven't had a date in 6 months."
Stacy: " I don't think it's any of your business."
Annabelle: "Fine. I'm leaving now. Are you
coming?"
Stacy: "No, I think I need to trim my bangs!"
____________________________________________________________
Stick to the Facts
Avoid getting bogged down in too many details, instead
focus
on the substance of what happened. Establish a fact pattern
of who did what and how you got to where you are now. How
would a neutral, third-party describe the situation?
How do you feel?
Our feelings often get mixed up in our judgements of another
person's behavior. Negatively describing a person's actions
immediately puts them on the defensive and they are more
likely to stop listening and counter with an attack of their
own. This is a definite no-no when it comes to difficult
conversations. It is much more effective to focus
on how
their actions made you feel instead of labeling their
actions. In other words, replace the phrase, "You are
so......" with the phrase ,"When you do
X, it makes me
feel..."
Why do you feel this way?
Perhaps you feel vulnerable or defensive because some aspect
of your self-image might be under attack. Identify which
aspect of your self-image feels threatened. Is it
your
ability to make money? Your ability to sustain a healthy
love relationship? Do you see yourself as a nice person
who
hates to put your foot down? Is it a trust issue? Figuring
out where the pain or distress is coming from helps you
to
be more objective. And by being able to view the situation
in a calmer and more rational manner, you are able to act
on
the situation instead of just reacting to it.
What is the purpose of the conversation?
What do you want this conversation to accomplish?
Do you
want an apology? Do you need closure? Or are you trying
to
solve a problem? Deciding which outcome you are seeking
will
help you stay focused. We all know how easy it is to get
sidetracked in a conversation, and this tendency is even
more likely to occur when we are discussing emotion-laden
matters.
Seek Understanding
Think about the situation from the other person's point
of
view. Again, this will help you to be more objective. Get
their feedback. Ask, "How do you see the situation?"
Treating the conversation as a mission for understanding
can
also help start the conversation and will go a long way
towards making it a two-way one.
AFTER:
____________________________________________________________
Stacy: "Do you realize that I feel hurt and embarrassed
when
you draw attention to my money problems?"
Annabelle: "I didn't think it was that big
of a deal to
you. You're always telling me that things are tight."
Stacy: "But I don't want the whole world to know.
I only
told you because I trusted you."
Annabelle: "I'm sorry. I won't do it in the
future. Let me
make it up to you. How about I treat you to a movie?"
Stacy: "Apology accepted. Just let me get my jacket."
____________________________________________________________
The Last Word
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps
it
hasn't even occurred to them that their behavior is causing
you pain or distress. And, once you begin to talk,
don't
monopolize the conversation. You won't accomplish
anything
by making the other person feel as if they are being taken
to task. Finally, if a difficult conversation doesn't
go as
well as you'd hoped, don't dwell on it. How you handle
a
conflict is more important than the conflict itself.
This
is called character.
Copyright (c) 1999 by Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.
------------------------------------------------------------
About the Author: Edel Jarboe is the founder of Self Help
for
Her.com (http://www.selfhelpforher.com),
an online self-help
magazine helping you create your better life. She also
publishes a free weekly newsletter, which features advice
on
goal setting, stress management, coping with difficult people,
and overcoming obstacles: Subscribe
(mailto:subscribe@selfhelpforher.com)
and receive a FREE stress
report. |
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