Completely You: Peace & Wellness: Authentic Self

Do you always compare yourself to others and end up feeling inferior? Here's how to stop unfair self-criticism, and turn negative thoughts into motivation and self acceptance.

By Amanda Pressner for Completely You

It's no secret that on those days when we are unsure of ourselves, many of us turn to other women to make a comparison.  We're probably all guilty of making comparisons between ourselves and others. Spot a new mom who is thin and you might think, "Why can't I lose my baby weight like she did?" Or you might glance at your best friend's new designer jeans and wonder if your own pair looks outdated. You might even compare yourself to famous celebrities. It's hard not to feel inferior after seeing the latest Catherine Zeta-Jones film.

Most of us consider ourselves to be confident, fun, go-getters. So why can't we stop comparing ourselves to friends, co-workers, movie stars, and even total strangers?

"The desire to compare ourselves to others stems from a need for reassurance. We want to be acceptable," says Carolyn DeRoo, author of What's Right with Me (New Harbinger Publications). "The problem is, instead of feeling affirmed, we often end up feeling like we're lacking in some way."

While it's probably unrealistic to stop drawing comparisons altogether, there are ways to do it less often, and even put a positive spin on our observations. Here, our experts offer four steps to subduing your inner critic -- and maybe even changing her tune.

Raise your awareness
"Women are socialized from an early age to compare ourselves to others, so we're rarely aware of how often we're doing it," says Ellen Frankel, co-author of The Diet Survivor's Handbook (Sourcebooks). Simply deciding to be more mindful of your inner monologue can be the first step towards quelling self-criticism. "For 48 hours, note each instance that you call yourself a bad name, or feel ashamed of a body part, or get jealous of someone else's appearance. Write down exactly what you thought," suggests Frankel. "You'll probably be surprised at how often negative thoughts and comparisons are dragging you down."

Find the pattern
Using the list you created, look for consistencies in your statements. You may find yourself repeating one phrase ("she's so much slimmer than me," or "I wish my kids were as well-behaved as hers") or judging yourself in particular situations (at yoga class, PTA night or while flipping through fashion magazines). "Recognize what's really troubling you in the moment of the comparison and begin changing the script," says Abby Goldstein, PhD, a psychologist in New York City. For example, if you're self-conscious that your flexibility isn't on par with your fellow yogis, give yourself a pep talk before the next class or even during. "Try to focus on the positive aspects of what you're trying to achieve, and how far you've already come, rather than the distance you still have to go," suggests Goldstein.

Vocalize your criticisms
One by one, read each of your statements out loud; you might be shocked by how harsh and unfair they sound to your own ears. "Would you tell your mother, sister or daughter that her butt is flabby or disgusting? Or that she's a failure for not earning as much money as a co-worker?" says Frankel. "If it would be unacceptable to say that to a friend or family member, why is it okay to say something so degrading to yourself?"

Reframe your statements
Rather than use such harsh words, turn each negative assessment into an action-oriented statement. "We are all a work in progress," says Goldstein. "The key is to start accepting things we can't change and setting realistic goals for the things that we can." Use phrases such as "I am working towards improving my vocabulary," or "I'm choosing to accept my body the way it is." While it's near impossible to stop making comparisons altogether, "putting a positive spin on those thoughts can help you feel confident and empowered," Goldstein adds. "Healthy comparisons are not bad. They can help us highlight areas that we might need to strengthen, or simply identify our own uniqueness."

Amanda Pressner is a freelance journalist based in New York City.