Self Care- Emotional Intelligence

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

                      

By Edel Jarboe



Almost all self-help books tell you to get in touch with your 

emotions.  Why is this so important?  Because our emotions 

enable us to experience life.  Our emotions are the most 

powerful factors in determining how we act, make decisions, set 

personal boundaries, and communicate with others. Therefore, it 

is reasoned that if we understand and control our emotions, we 

can improve the quality of our lives.



Enter emotional intelligence.  This new buzzword was coined by 

Yale psychologists Peter Salovey and the University of New 

Hampshire's John Mayer to describe qualities like understanding 

one's own emotions, empathy for the feelings of others, and 

managing one's emotions.  In addition to grade point average, 

IQ, and other standardized testing, emotional intelligence (EQ) 

is being described as a new and better way of measuring an 

individual's chance of success in life.  The higher your EQ, 

the greater your ability to manage your feelings and deal 

effectively with others, the greater your chances are for a 

happier life.



Emotional Awareness

Self-awareness means knowing which emotions you are feeling and 

why.  It is the ability to see and understand the connection 

between what you are feeling and how you act on those 

feelings.  Self-awareness also involves a degree of self-

honesty; knowing what is both petty and noble about what you 

feel and how you act, while maintaining confidence in your self-

worth and capabilities.  Moreover, emotional awareness allows 

you to speak up for yourself because you are comfortable 

communicating your feelings.



Emotional Sensitivity

Empathy is the ability to feel compassion for other people's 

feelings and to understand their viewpoint.  People who are 

emotionally sensitive pay attention to non-verbal cues and 

listen well, which enables them to communicate well with 

others.  They respect other people's feelings and do not 

invalidate others.  Those with emotional intelligence also have 

a well-developed social conscience.  When pursuing their goals 

they are concerned not only with the personal consequences but 

the consequences for others as well.  Thus, emotional 

sensitivity enables them to be both inner and outer directed. 



Emotion Management

The ability to take responsibility for and manage one's own 

emotions and personal happiness is an important cornerstone of 

emotional intelligence.  People with EQ are consequently highly 

self-directed.  Not only do they prioritize and set realistic 

and challenging goals, but they are also able to balance 

emotion and intellect when making decisions.  In short, they 

are able to exercise self-control.



Scientists have proven that we are wired to feel before we 

think.  This is our survival instinct.  However, once you are 

aware of what you are feeling, the odds of successfully dealing 

with your emotions are greatly improved.  The ability to step 

back and recognize what you are feeling allows you to exercise 

self-control and to employ coping skills; taking a slow, 

relaxing bath when feeling stressed or going for a walk or a 

run when we are feeling blue, for example.



An essential emotion management strategy is optimism, the 

ability to look for the positive in the negative.  In other 

words, knowing how to deal constructively with anger, 

negativity, and failure is emotion management at its best.  The 

ability to persist despite obstacles, and to change course if 

necessary, is a by-product of emotion management and the reason 

why people with emotional intelligence are more likely to 

succeed.





Getting "It"

In conclusion, true emotional intelligence is not about 

manipulating people.  Emotional intelligence means knowing what 

you and others are feeling and acting ethically, with a social 

conscience.  In other words, book smarts and people smarts may 

be of equal value but emotional intelligence is what makes 

certain people stand out.  These people seem to have "it" 

together; they are a graceful balance of intellect and 

emotion.  They inspire, lead, and make others feel good about 

themselves while maintaining their own integrity and sense of 

personal worth.  No one is diminished by being in his or her 

presence.  On the contrary, we all wish we could be more like 

them.  



People with emotional intelligence have an unshakable 

confidence in themselves, which comes from self-knowledge and 

self-honesty.  They know that their personal happiness is up to 

them and no one else.  Instead of labeling other people and 

their actions, they check their emotions first.  People with 

emotional intelligence look out for their well being as well as 

that of others.  They understand that life is not just about 

them; it's about balance.



How Can You Improve Your Emotional Intelligence?



1.Take responsibility for your emotions and your happiness.



2. Examine your own feelings rather than the actions or motives 

of other people.



3. Develop constructive coping skills for specific moods. Learn 

to relax when your emotions are running high and to get up and 

move when you are feeling down. 



4. Make hunting for the silver lining a game.  Look for the 

humor or life lesson in a negative situation. 



5. Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge your negative feelings, 

look for their source, and come up with a way to solve the 

underlying problem.



6. Show respect by respecting other people's feelings.



7. Avoid people who invalidate you or don't respect your 

feelings.



8. Listen twice as much as you speak.



9. Pay attention to non-verbal communication. We communicate 

with our whole selves.  Watch faces, listen to tone of voice, 

and take note of body language. 



10. Realize that improving your emotional intelligence will 

take time and patience.





Copyright (c) 1999 by Edel Jarboe.  All Rights Reserved.



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About the Author: Edel Jarboe is the founder of Self Help for 

Her.com (http://www.selfhelpforher.com), an online self-help 

magazine helping you create your better life. She also 

publishes a free weekly newsletter, which features advice on 

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